Getting Off The Drama Triangle…
It was refreshing to hear how the roles we assume are totally fluid. That we’re not stuck where we might think we are… That there is possibility, always, and we can shift our position as soon as we become aware of where we stand. It can easily go unnoticed when we move from being a Victim to being a Persecutor or when we move from being a Rescuer to being a Victim.
What makes it easy for us to get stuck in various roles on the drama triangle is the simple fact that we are moving though the motions of life without any conscious thought of whats happening to our mind-state. Its as if our minds and emotions are pulled about like a roller-coaster and we react from a place of fear, leading us down the rabbit hole right into the Drama Triangle, right into our conditioning.
I can’t even begin to count all the times I’ve gotten stuck in one role or another. And I don’t need to. Neither do you. All we need to do, if we so choose, is to open to where we are, notice our thoughts, and know there are ways to move into a healthier paradigm. The way I see it is that we can turn this into a practice of becoming more consciousness of reactions to our direct experiences.
So we’re driving to the prison and someone cuts us off, instead of getting all pissed off and judging that person and propping ourselves up as someone who would never drive like that (although I’m sure we all have at some point), we can ask ourselves what can we do in this moment to not get stuck on being the Victim (“…oh my gosh, I can’t believe this person cut me off, people always cut me off, maybe I should not drive anymore, I can’t believe I have to sit at this dam red light, again!”) So instead we can ask ourselves: “What can I do?” Thats the question the Victim asks to get out of the stuck position and move into what we called the “Co-Creator”
So we say, “you know, that person is probably in a hurry, just like me and what I can do is really admire this red light” Why not? So there we are, transcending our victim-hood becoming the Co-Creator. The light turns this gorgeous green and we’re on our way…
As we’re walking into the prison to volunteer we hear one of the guards yelling at an inmate. As we’re walking away we begin the criticism. “That woman is such an jerk” we say to our friend, “she’s always putting people down, she thinks she’s so much better then everyone else around here…” we go on and on and on, basically pointing the finger at this person saying “they are bad.” We’re persecuting them, for the same thing we are criticizing them for doing. Why are we better? And more importantly, how can we find that pause and stop? How can begin to ask a question or initiate change in a way that actually works, in other words, how do we become the Challenger? So on our way out we smile at her and make eye contact and wish her well. We share some of the inspiring moments with some of the inmates in our class, some of the highlights. In a non aggressive way, we’re challenging her, we’re also giving her the opportunity to be human, like us all.
As we’re driving home our good friend calls us. He’s freaking out, telling us how stressful his life is, how he can’t seem to find any time for exercise and his beer belly is becoming embarrassing, he’s going on and on about how his girlfriend expects too much from him and how he hates his job and his boss, etc.. He has so much going on, that we’re not even able to say anything for the first 10 minutes. Its as if its been building for some time now and here we are. What we probably want to say to him is “well, why don’t you leave her, i mean you’ve been unhappy for sometime now? And you should just look on Craigslist for a new job, or just take a vacation, go to India or something… and about not exercising enough, why don’t you try to get up a little earlier each morning and do some yoga, it really helps you know?” We could go on and on and on like this, but seeing we just learned about the Rescuer role, we instead just simply listen and after about 5 minutes we say “wow, it sounds like your having a really hard time today, do you want to join me for a walk later this evening” We don’t try to fix anything, we don’t try to change anything, because we realize we are not in control..so we just bear witness and allow. We’ve become the Coach and after a full morning of practice, we feel some excitement to work with what comes up next.
So tell us! Tell me some of stories about how you got stuck in any of these roles, or how you’ve transformed them..I’d LOVE to hear…